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For the next few days, Kaym walked, Dawn always right beside him. Kaym tried to start a conversation with Dawn, but she never said anything. It was very hard for the man, since he didn't know the girl's name. Kaym simply talked about his life and what he did for a living. He told her that he was part of a warrior's guild in a city called, Tribiandale, though most called it Tribdale. Kaym spent a lot of time talking about his past missions in the guild and how dangerous they were.

Dawn didn't look interested in anything that Kaym had to say. She just followed his commands to eat, drink, and follow him. The only words that Kaym had ever heard the girl say were numbers, and she always stopped at sixty-one, though each word seemed to be forced out. She only said those in her sleep, so Kaym always wondered what kinds of dreams the little girl had. Were they why she was always awake before the sun rose, or did she just like to watch the dawn. She seemed to be mesmirized by the twilight of sunrise.

One particular night, Dawn screamed out halfway through her counting and looked around, then she curled back up and tried to go back to sleep, though she didn't feel tired anymore. Kaym, slowly walked over to Dawn and sighed. "What's wrong? Bad dream?" he asked, though he didn't expect to get a response.

Dawn slowly looked up to the man, then quickly looked away. "Bwoked. It bwoked. I no do it." Kaym looked shocked at the sound of the girl's voice. He half expected it to be rough and hard to understand, but her voice was very soft and cute. "I pwomise. It bwoked befoe I here," she explained.

Kaym sat down beside the girl and took her hand in his. "I believe you," he said, though he had no clue what the girl was talking about. Kaym just wanted to make Dawn feel at ease. "Is there anything else you'd like to say?" Kaym asked as Dawn sat up, realizing that Kaym didn't want her to sleep. "When dawn?" she asked.

Kaym thought for a minute then shrugged. "I'm not even sure what time it is now, but we still have hours before dawn," he explained. "Why are you so interested with dawn?" the man asked while a soft breeze picked up irritating Dawn's burns a bit. She grabbed at them for a moment then looked back to Kaym. "It pwitty. Make me think of why mommy call me it."

Kaym thought for a moment then laughed softly to himself. "So your name is Dawn?" Dawn shook her head. "What name?" Kaym once again laughed while the wind got stronger hitting Dawn's burns even more intensely. She grabbed her upper arm again, this time not letting go. Kaym softly took Dawn's arm into his hands and tried to use his body to block the wind. "It's getting worse. We really need to get you treated, but I don't have any supplies, and I'm not very good at treating burns." Kaym explained.

Dawn looked up and whimpered, scared that she had done something bad. "I in trouble?" she asked, suddenly afraid of how close Kaym was to her. Kaym slowly shook his head and sighed. "No, Dawn, you aren't in trouble. We just need to get you taken care of so that your burns don't get much worse," the man said while he tore some of cloak off to cover Dawn's burns.

Dawn looked back down and pulled her arm back the moment Kaym was finished wrapping it. She tested it out for a moment, trying to see if it was still the same, then pulled it to her chest. "Why no sleep?" Dawn asked as a stronger gust of wind hit, making Kaym's exposed arm colder. He pulled it into his cloak then looked down to Dawn. "Why aren't I asleep? Well...I just didn't feel like sleeping yet. I wanted to make sure you were sleeping soundly before I tried to do the same."

Kaym then picked up Dawn and held her close, making sure that the wind had little effect on her. Dawn, instinctively curled up against Kaym's chest, not even realizing what she was doing. All she knew was that she was a little warmer and that she wasn't as scared anymore.

Kaym slowly started to walk on, while Dawn was in his arms. "It's too cold for you to be out like this. Lets find a cave or an inn, or something." Dawn nodded softly, her eyes already closed. It wasn't long before the small child was resting peacefully, but Kaym's night had just begun. Kaym walked for hours trying to find a good place to rest that was out of the cold.

When Kaym had finally found a nice cave that was not in the wind, Dawn slowly opened her eyes and yawned. Kaym sighed and set the girl down. "Sleep well miss twilight?" he asked as Dawn looked up to him. The girl shook her head and frowned in confusion. "I no know. What well mean?" she replied not knowing what he was asking of her.

Kaym looked down to Dawn and smiled. "It means the same as good." Dawn whimpered softly and shook her head. "I no know then. I no know if good or bad," she explained, truly unaware of what it was like to have the freedom to express herself. Kaym sighed and walked out of the cave, having Dawn follow behind him.

Just as they stepped out, the sun started to peak over the horizon. Dawn suddenly stopped to look once again in awe of the morning twilight. It had been almost a week since she had lost everything, but each time she looked at the origin of her name, Dawn felt at peace with the world.

The young girl then looked up to Kaym and smiled. "Pretty colors." Kaym looked towards the dawn and sighed gently. He then looked around at his surroundings. The man started thinking on how long it'd been since he just looked around and took in the scene. It had been too long. Well he wasn't going to let his chance slip by again, so the nineteen year old man sat down next to Dawn and simply looked around.

To the east there was a lush forest, filled with animals that Kaym had more than likely eaten on more than one mission. Suddenly a deer jump out to drink at the small pond that seperated it from Kaym and Dawn. Dawn noticed it as well and slowly got up to walk over to the creature. Dawn was not even ten feet animal when it finally realized that it wasn't alone. The deer quickly picked its head up from the water and took off back into the forest.

Kaym finally got up and walked over to Dawn. The man sighed as he got to the girl, he noticed that she had a few tears on her cheeks. Dawn whimpered and looked up to Kaym. "Why it run? I no hurt it. I want to hug it," she told him. Kaym shook his head and wiped Dawn's tears away. "Deer are very cautious creatures. They don't trust a lot of people, so it's rare that they let anyone get close to them."

Dawn simply whined and looked down. "But I no people. I just Dawn. I no hurt. I pwomise." Kaym picked the girl back up into his arms and sighed. "I know, but they don't understand that. They think that everyone is the same, so they hide from those that look like the ones they think will hurt them." Dawn shook her head and looked back to where the deer ran off to. "They mean."

Kaym nodded and started to head north again. He was trying to get back Tribdale to get his reward for completing his mission. Dawn curled up in the man's arms and sighed. "What you mission?" she asked. Kaym smiled and shook his head. He had waited almost a week to get a conversation with this girl and the first thing she wanted to know was why he was in her hometown. "I was tracking down a dark mage. He had to be taken care of, since he had killed hundreds of people, and injured even more. His grandfather is the reason we're as free as we are. Him, his wife, and his best friend all defeated an evil king, ending his reign of terror. The mage's mother was and still is a very kind woman. Though she didn't have much choice in having him. She was 16 years old, when she was forced to...well I won't get into that. She married four years later, and some of her children work with me, and some of them have kids too," he finished and looked down to see that Dawn was sleeping. "Her oldest son has been taken care of though, so there's nothing more to worry about."

After a few more hours, Kaym had finally reached Tribdale and walked into his usual pub, The Liquid Desert, and sat down with Dawn still sleeping in his arms. It was still early in the morning, so the place was pretty quiet, save for a few men from the guild who had just gotten back from missions as Kaym had. One of them walked over to Kaym and laughed when he saw Dawn. "You really are pathetic, Kaym. How long ago was it again, five or six months? Who's this?"

Kaym growled and looked up to the man He was well known in the guild. Most called him Reaper, since his weapon of choice was the scythe, but his build was that of a tall muscular man. "Eric, what do you want?" Kaym asked, using Reaper's real name.

The man was a bit taken back by Kaym's blunt comment. He glared at the younger warrior and grasped his fists. "What are you doing with that girl? Do you think she'll make up for the one you didn't have with Daniella?" Kaym started to get up, but he felt a weight in his arms and stayed down to let Dawn rest. It was the first time she had slept without counting, and Kaym didn't want to mess it up.

Reaper smiled darkly and let out a sinister laugh. "And that is why I don't have brats. You're not going to be able to keep on being the pride of the guild when you have to take care of that little monster. How did you find it anyway?" At that exact moment a bird randomly hit the window to the pub, making a huge crack on the previously perfect window.

The pub owner got out from behind the bar and grumbled. "That was my last uncracked window. What's up with those birds? They die on impact, and I give up. The bird can just rot this time," the man said as he put a glass of blood berry juice. "You know, your grandfather liked the junak better than the juice."

Kaym nodded and started to drink with his free hand. "I know, Karl, but you know that I don't like alcohol." Karl nodded and looked to Dawn, smiling at how peaceful she was sleeping. "How'd you get the cutie?" He asked.

Kaym looked down to Dawn then back up to Karl. "I was leaning up against a tree waiting for dawn and then Dawn came to me. Her father was just killed and burned in a fire. She somehow got out though. Nobody in town wanted her, so I have her, for the time being anyway. That was maybe a week ago, probably less. I didn't really keep track."

Karl nodded, slowly taking everything in. "Has she been hard to deal with?" he asked, knowing that his wife had children on her mind lately. Kaym shook his head and laughed softly to himself. "Not at all. Well, to be honest, at first she felt empty, as though she had emotions. Last night she finally talked to me. She seems to have a lot of sweetness and I think she can be pretty cute."

Reaper grunted and walked away, not very pleased with Kaym's description of Dawn. "Only men are worth anything in this world," the man said as he left the pub.
:iconforbiddenhero:

Author's Comments

Unrevised version. I need to check with my beta reader, but I wanted you all to see what happens. I've also done some revisions to chapter one, so I'll get that up in there as soon as this is up.

Thanks to :iconwyrem: for telling me that I put "pud" where I should have put "pub".

Critiques


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:iconaquapotato:
Many grammatical errors. I suggest reading it aloud to your self once a day for maybe two days. I know I basically memorize my stories after I've written them, so I need to do that over a couple of days. Maybe try to use semicolons also. And look at your comma placement. I could probably read it again to tell you, but I know you'll find them.

Also, it irked me when you have two different names for his town. When you said "Tribdale" toward the end, I got weirded out and had to look in the beginning, then get back down to the bottom... Not going to lie, I'm probably the only one that will do that.

And I'm confused at the deer part. Isn't she supposed to have no emotions? But then, she cries at having missed the deer. Is she already starting to gain back emotions?

And, every self-respecting nineteen year old I know loves his alcohol. I know you said something about his dad liking to drink... It'll probably come out later.

Other than that, I liked it. I still like the story. And I found it funny that I imagined Kaym as a nineteen year old instead of an old man because I didn't recall his age if you'd said it before. So, I'm becoming slightly emotionally attached to your characters, so I'm invested in the story and waiting for a plot line.

Happy writing :hug:

P.S.: Should I give you critiques instead of comments? I feel like this is in depth enough to be a critique, but it's whatever you want I guess.

--
Proud member of *TheWritersMeow

pɐəɥ ɹnoʎ ɥʇıʍ ʇɐɥʇ ƃuıop ʎuunɟ ʞool noʎ
:iconforbiddenhero:
Thanks, and yeah, this seems more like a critique.

It was said that the town was commonly called Tribdale when it's real name was said. It's the shortened version that the locals call it, so that's what it'll mainly be called when people from the guild or those who live there talk about it.

Dawn is starting to get her emotions back. She's not as afraid to use them around Kaym, because he hasn't hurt her in the time that they've been together. What really helped was when he consoled her after she woke up from her nightmare.

No. His grandfather aka Roshetta drinks, but Kaym has never even tried alcohol. He wants to be above that. He is nineteen years old, so you got that right.

Well, it's going to be awhile before you see a definite plot line. It's not that I don't have one ready. It's just that Dawn's story gets really deep before the plot comes in.

--
There are very few things that we can control, and even those aren't always under control.

~Winter from Dawn of Emotions
:iconaquapotato:
I know what the town was called, I was just saying how I didn't like how the town had two names. I've never been in a situation where that happened. If it were me, I would pick one name and stick with it, or change the name so it's simpler.

I guess the sudden reflux of emotions is okay because she's so young, but if she were older I would be more upset.

He's a pretty responsible nineteen year old. Marriage, no drinking, missions, wants kids... Maybe you want to change his age a little?

Okay, epic novel on the way. Don't let me down [:

--
Proud member of *TheWritersMeow

pɐəɥ ɹnoʎ ɥʇıʍ ʇɐɥʇ ƃuıop ʎuunɟ ʞool noʎ
:iconforbiddenhero:
XD It would only be Trindale, but the map makers don't want to go through the trouble of making all those maps all over again. Blame them, not me. XD It's just a local thing, though. People that don't live there call it by its full name.

Yeah. That's exactly what I was thinking as well. She's so young that it just works like that. I'd never do it for someone who was older.

He got married because they'd been together their entire lives. It was an early marriage, but to them it was a long wait. He hates drinking, because his father tried to out drink his grandfather. It didn't turn out well for the younger one. He goes on missions so that he doesn't have to worry about what goes on. He's rarely in town for more than a day or day, and he wants kids because he never got his chance when he was married. He's never going to be able to get over his loss.

You really think it's going to be epic? I'll try not to let you down.

--
There are very few things that we can control, and even those aren't always under control.

~Winter from Dawn of Emotions
:iconaquapotato:
My town's name is twice as long as your town's original name and we still say the full name. I'm just saying I've never seen it done. Have you?

So... He's not married anymore? Now I'm confused. Should I just wait on that one?

--
Proud member of *TheWritersMeow

pɐəɥ ɹnoʎ ɥʇıʍ ʇɐɥʇ ƃuıop ʎuunɟ ʞool noʎ
:iconforbiddenhero:
Yes, but a lot of fictional characters are lazy when it comes to saying town names. Or at least mine are. XD

--
There are very few things that we can control, and even those aren't always under control.

~Winter from Dawn of Emotions
:iconrueyeet:
I won't go into spelling or grammatical errors, since you say your beta hasn't checked it over yet. I will say, though, that running it through whatever you've got in the way of spellcheck/grammar-check before loading it up to dA would probably have caught almost all of the minor stuff I saw.

I'm not sure how fast you're meaning to pace Dawn's recovery, but it seems to me that after the emphasis the first chapter laid on her being emotionless, it seems a bit soon for her to be crying, or feeling scared. Also you had said that she didn't show pain when her dad beat her; so the wind on her burns wouldn't cause an obvious reaction.

One way to handle that might be that whenever something would make her feel, she counts instead. It'd come off as sort of random and a bit eerie, and would also provide a clue for Kaym as to what the numbers are about if he can figure it out. And then maybe the only time she does let herself feel is when she watches the dawn...

Eric/Reaper is a very obviously the resident asshole, so much so that it's not a matter of if he'll hurt Dawn, but when and how. It's hardly even a question in the reader's mind. If that's what you're aiming for, then good; but if you don't want that to be as obvious, you'll have to tone Eric down a bit.

I do like the additional detail on just who Kaym is and what he does. And you make it clear that he's a good man through his interactions with Dawn, without a whole bunch of exposition or flashbacks. It's also clear that he's a dangerous guy, even if he's fighting for the right side. And also you have that tantalizing hint of some personal tragedy there, which is intriguing.

So overall -- still interesting, and it'll be neat to see how Dawn's story affects Kaym's. I sense the need for some resolution in that young man's life. :nod:

--
[This signature intentionally left blank]
:iconforbiddenhero:
I don't have a spelling/grammar check. I'm using wordpad. TT^TT

Dawn's emotions come out when she's with somebody she's able to trust, but for some people it takes time. With Kaym, he had showed compassion and even gave up part of his cloak so that Dawn wouldn't hurt. Also, after enough time, anyone would feel pain on something. Dawn isn't an exception, since she's simply a human. She did feel pain when her father beat her. I don't remember saying otherwise...Hmm. She didn't notice the pain in her arm when the fire burned her, because though it was there, she was doing everything she could to not do anything without being told.

Yeah. I'm glad you got that idea for Reaper. That's EXACTLY what I want readers to understand about him. He hates kids, and if....when Dawn gets in his way...Well lets just say that it's not a very good thing when it happens.

You know, someone didn't get that Kaym had gone through a tragedy. I didn't want to stress too much on that, but Kaym's a very important character, so he needed to get a bit of exposition. I'm happy with it as well though.

I already know that a lot of people are going to hate me for what I do to him.

--
There are very few things that we can control, and even those aren't always under control.

~Winter from Dawn of Emotions
:iconaquapotato:
Don't compromise readability with laziness :)

--
Proud member of *TheWritersMeow

pɐəɥ ɹnoʎ ɥʇıʍ ʇɐɥʇ ƃuıop ʎuunɟ ʞool noʎ

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